Blank sheets
by mika-niiet
Summary: Now his feelings have nowhere to go. There's nothing for him here. He can't have what he longs for, so he leaves. Needing to forget. Start over with clean, blank sheets. Can he? Reita x Ruki. Ruki x Kai. Reita x Mao. The Gazette, Sadie. More to come!
1. Prologue

**Title:** Blank sheets**  
Author:** Mika Kashii Haine**  
Band:** The Gazette (for now)**  
Pairing:** Reita x Ruki (one sided), Ruki x Kai (more to come)**  
Rating:** PG15**  
Genre:** Angst  
**Chapters:** 0/?**  
Warning: **None**  
Disclaimer:** I do not own anyone at all. No matter whom they are or where they are.**  
Summary:** Reita knew no one would come looking for him before a day had passed.**  
Comments: **New story. Yep. This came to me as I was walking home. Hope it's good. I know I should rather finish what I have started, but, one more thing on my hands won't hurt, right?! Comments please!! Oh, also, this is short cause it's like a prologue.

And now. The dreaded day had finally come. In all its horror the day descends upon him. His childhood friend, band mate and long-time crush were finally going to confess his love to their leader. As the observant man Reita was, he had surely noticed that Ruki held deep feelings of more than friendship for their cheery drummer. When he found out, he had studied Kai a lot closer than usual. And it was obvious he held the same feelings for the younger.

Encouraging Ruki to confess. Even when he knew how that would end. His love in the arms of another. This wouldn't change. Only thing for the bassist to do was tie his feelings together even tighter. Suffocate them, and shut them down inside him. This was the same as rejection, huh?!

Leaned against the wall at his balcony. Where he had seated himself to lit a much needed cigarette. Taking a drag as the expected beep and vibration of the cellphone on the concrete. Blindly reaching for hit. His hand closed around it to bring it up. Snapping it open, he read the short text message.

"Succes~~s!!"

Chuckled a nervous laugh at Ruki's happiness. Stomping the cigarette and standing up. He walked in and locked the door leading to the balcony. On his way to the bedroom. He grabbed a random object. Smashed it with all his brute force to the floor. Not saying anything. Expression as apathetic as always. Head a mess with silent screams inside. Hidden. Showing everyone his strength rather than to push his weaknesses and misery upon the people around him. In pure anger, he shoved, smashed, kicked and threw objects the closest to him. Acting upon his rage. Anything to ease up a little.

Running a hand through the messy hair. Patting it back in place. Combing through some soft locks. Finally he stood in the middle of the bedroom. Grabbing his handbag. Showing all the necessary in it. Wallet, pass, some papers, a book, sunglasses, PSP, two pants and two shirts, boxers, socks. It all fit just inside it.

By the door he put on his sneakers, turned around. Looked at the mess he had just created. Huffing and the light were switched off. For a minute he stared at the letter left on the table in his narrow hallway. Uruha's name sloppily scribbled on the envelope. Taking it, he opened the door and stepped out. The clock was sometime around 5AM. Knowing very well, at this time of the day, Uruha would be sound asleep. Tomorrow being a day off too. Reita knew no one would come looking for him before a day had passed. At the most.

Running lightly down the sidewalk towards the, oh so familiar, apartment complex where Uruha resided. Walking to where the mailboxes where located, scanning over them until Uruha's birth name popped up. Sliding the letter into it.

***

"Hey, I want a plane ticket out of Japan." Eyes fixed and serious at the reception clerk behind her desk.

"Where would you like to go, sir?" Politely smiling. Her voice clear, leaving no room for misunderstandings.

"I don't know. I don't care. The first plane I can catch. I have money, so it doesn't matter." Scratching his neck in thought. The blonde looked around a bit.

"I have no luggage either, just this handbag; I can take it on the plane right?"

The lady who was scrolling down on her computer glanced at the bag the blonde man held up and nodded with a 'yes'.

"There was a plane that just left for Paris, France. So the next one would be Sardinia in Italy in an hour." Looking up. That polite smile still plastered on her face. "It will be 5589 yen each way. Do you want to take this one?" She kept on going.

"Yes. I'll take it. I only need a one way ticket." A relieved sigh escaped past his lips as the destination was decided. Though, he had no idea just where it was.

The need to get away. From everything. Clear up the mess that had been created inside he usually collected self. Not speak to anyone. See anyone. Or even be in this familiar place where he had memories of time spent together. Of pain and suffering on lonesome nights. This place. In this country. Where they too easily could get a hold of him. His cellphone left somewhere in the pile of shattered glass and thrown furniture. An unknown place. Unknown people. Where everything was new. Never seen or heard of before. Could he too, start new?


	2. Chapter 1

**Title:** Blank sheets**  
Author:** Mika Kashii Haine**  
Band:** The Gazette (for now)**  
Pairing:** Reita x Ruki (one sided), Ruki x Kai (more to come)**  
Rating:** PG15**  
Genre:** Angst  
**Chapters:** 1/?**  
Warning: **Language, un-betaed**  
Disclaimer:** I do not own anyone at all. No matter whom they are or where they are.**  
Summary:** Conclusions were easily made in the honey blonde's imaginative mind.**  
Comments: **This whole chapter I wrote in the bathroom (laughs). I went into my aniki's basement apartment, sat down on the bathroom floor and started writing. Sat there for some hours or so. And this is what came out of it. Why the bathroom? Well, I feel the most creative in there (raises an eyebrow), it's weird, I know, but it's almost scary how creative I can be in there, lol. Comment please

In a country with a language he did not know, with people who felt the same confusion considering his mother tongue. Somehow, by himself and with help from pieces of paper, a pencil and his bad drawing technique, he had found a nice little hotel not too far from the beach of the island.

First day of his journey for something close to a new start and cleaned inside had been spent in confusion and headaches as he desperately tried to find a place to stay.

***

"_I'm sorry....._

_I.. Sorry._

_I am just so… _

_Sorry. Really. I am. Sorry. _

_Sorry… Sorry…_

_Please forgive me.._

_Reita"_

In reality, he wanted to, tried to, put down something else on the paper than hundreds of 'sorry'. Something, anything, that would make the other understand. Put him a little at ease. Knowing nothing was wrong. He was okay. Needing a break. But would be back. Someday soon he'd be back. Maybe not tomorrow or the day after. Probably not in a weeks time. But doubtfully the blonde would be able to push guilt to the back of his head for much more than a month. Even if the pain wasn't gone. Wounds not healed. Reita would come back with his fakest smile. Laugh the forced joy. Pretend its all okay. Doing a dam good job fooling them all. Like always.

So much else the bassist could have written. But 'sorry' was all that came to mind. His heart wanted to write down assuring words. But it wouldn't be written. Pen pressed to paper. Brutally scribbling all his hands allowed him to. Sorry. Pen against paper, forcefully almost tearing the fragile paper. Where the signature name of his childhood friend were signed. Tear stains were evident.

All the things Reita wanted to get across. Conveying his reasons. Uruha couldn't know. Not understanding. A single thing. Confusing. Shocking. Conclusions were easily made in the honey blonde's imaginative mind.

"He wouldn't... For sure... he'd never.."

Suicide. That's the words playing around inside of the younger man's head. Disbelief written over his face. Not able to put Reita's name in the same sentence with neither words like 'suicide' or 'suicidal'.

Grabbing his phone. Shoving his feet hurriedly into worn-out sneakers. Out the door. Not bothering to lock it, or even close it. The tall man flew down the stairs and up the road. Hurriedly. Running. To the apartment of his childhood friend, former classmate, best friend and band mate. This apartment where, except for his own, he always felt the most welcome, comfortable in.

Different cases of suicide scenarios playing in his mind. Tears started trailing down cheeks as the sadness of his own thoughts consumed him.

***

Walking down the road outside of his temporarily new home. A slight pain in his heart started to eat more of him. Bite by bite, pain grew, sorrow washed over him. Walking down the same road he'd walked now for an hour or more. On his own two feet. Up, down, and up again.

The pain was growing to the point where it was unbearable. Actually. Music streaming into his ear from his iPod was barely reaching him as he tried so hard to persuade himself not to cry. All the begging didn't help. Obviously. For the first tear already ran down his cheek.

First of the tears to fall, hurts the worst of all.

Now tears escaped his eyes with no intention of stopping. At least not for a while. Blurring his already hazy vision. Trapped in the walls he created. His head a cage he don't want to, and can't even if he wanted to, escape.

"_Looking for something I've never seen  
Alone and I'm in between"_

_Trust me_ by _The Fray_ played as he broke down on hands and knees. Gasping, crying, dripping spit. Rain washed over the blonde. Like the rain tried to purify this bassist of hurt and pain. Shedding tears along with the pain trailing down pale cheeks of a blonde crying to forget. Escape, if you like.

***

Reaching the door. Banging on it. Desperate. Shouting. Crying. Cursing. Seconds passes. Then a few minutes. Figuring the door would not swing open any time soon. Remembering the spare key he had gotten in case of emergency. For the second time that morning he ran once more. Worry creeping in on him. Settling deeply inside.

***

Drenched by Heaven's tears. Filled with Hell's pain. Running back down the street until he once again reached the hotel he resided in. Not turning around and walking back up. Like he had done all afternoon. Rather storming in to escape the furious weather outside. And elderly lady shot him a worried glance. Not saying anything for understanding wasn't possible. Looking at his face. Frowning slightly. For once, Reita was glad it rained. Dripping water from blonde locks mingling together with tears from his eyes. Unable to tell the two apart.

Heading for the elevator. Reita used his last strength to press a quick smile on his lips as he nodded at her. Acknowledging her presence by the little and gentle motion. Glad the elevator was already there. Pressing 5 and doors closed. Alone. Once again.

***

Fourth try. Uruha finally managed to put the key in the lock with his shaky nervous fingers. Turning. A soft 'click' as heard. Body uncontrollably shook and sweaty hands grabbed the handle, pushing it open.

Rays of light from the shining sun of this beautiful morning were the only source of light. Filtering through the windows. Casting light upon the mess of this quiet apartment. A stuffy silence of discomfort. Anger and depression of the owners rejection still lingering on the walls.

Hesitating, slow steps inched the man forward. Into the chaotic mess mirroring the head of the man who created it. But, unfortunately, a man's mind were not like a room. One could easily tidy a room. One could simply mess it up. Or throw it all away. A room was easily manipulated. Something less difficult to handle and deal with than the thoughts and feelings a person could harbour. If only we were all like a room.

Under his shoes, cracking sound of shattered glass didn't register in his head. Which was more than busy working on top speed to find out what happened in here. From one room to another. No trace left of the other, no sign in the mess. Only silence slapping his face. Letting out a sigh. Happy that he hadn't been greeted with a messy suicide, or a clean one, or any at all. Though, he still wandered around, concern printed on his features. Finding nothing whatsoever that would tell him about the others whereabouts. Anything to ease the worry.

A soft melody broke the heavy silence. Breaking off the train of thoughts. Spinning around, trying to locate the whereabouts of the device that produced the music. Soon grabbing it from under a picture frame. Flipping it open to see who called. Ruki's name blinked on the screen. Answering it. His message short before he hung up.

"Reita's place. Now. Get the others too. Hurry!"

Scratching the back of his head. Rubbing his swollen eyes. With the sleeve of his shirt he wiped his face. Picked up the picture frame. Removing, carefully, the shattered glass. Beneath it all were a young and smiling Gazette.

***

Door to his room shut close. Making sure it was locked. Removing his clothes on the way to the bathroom. Piece by piece, clothes got scattered everywhere. Lying down in the tub. Letting hot water flow to fill it. Drown his body in heat. Breaking down again. His tears fell freely. Not even bothering to try to fight for control. All energy sucked out. Letting himself go. For a moment. For now. This outlet of emotions stored inside. For too long. Suppressed too hard. Denied too much.

To start over again. It's necessary to cry out all that has to be let go of. Like want. Need. Longing. Jealousy. Love...

Yes, the handsome blonde were going to start with something simple like this. Cry, suffer, and get on with his life. Bitterness might never leave. Affection linger. Yet we all need to at some point let go of what we can't have.


End file.
